it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
