Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
He passed out mid-signature
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
