There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
