remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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