Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
