grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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