Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
