just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize