we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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