I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
