On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
