false alarm. still invincible.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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