I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
