I wanna passion pit in your ass
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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