Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
