If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
