im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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