you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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