i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
