The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
