The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
