I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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