I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize