you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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