I think im going to throw up on grandma
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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