god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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