just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
