Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
