When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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