hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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