My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
