dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I CAN MOONWALK!
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize