did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize