my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
