Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
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