That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
