Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
