hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
She said her name was "party"
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
