my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
