i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
