is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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