Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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