Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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