Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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