i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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