just tell him i said nine months
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
