Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
