nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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