Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
mondays should just be called national damage control day
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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