The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
