i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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