i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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