i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
