i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
