I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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