He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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