All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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