he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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