I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
