I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Dick very happy bro
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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