I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I touched a dick in church today
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize