using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
COCAINE IS GR8
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize